...
Why "Just Relax" Doesn't Work - And What To Do Instead

Why “Just Relax” Doesn’t Work – And What To Do Instead

Just relax” can feel impossible for trauma survivors. Discover 4 nervous system-based alternatives to find real calm, without forced stillness

The Problem With “Just Relax”

“Take a deep breath.”
“Just chill out.”
“Don’t worry so much!”

If these well-meaning phrases make you want to scream, you’re not being difficult—you’re being human. True relaxation isn’t about willpower—it’s about rewiring your nervous system’s alarms.

For those with chronic stress or trauma, relaxation often feels unsafe. Your body resists stillness because, biologically, it’s still preparing for danger.

Why Traditional Relaxation Fails

Common advice falls short when you have:
✔ Chronic stress or anxiety
✔ A trauma history
✔ A dysregulated nervous system

Because:
→ Your body refuses to be still (it’s stuck in survival mode)
→ Deep breathing can trigger panic (if done incorrectly)
→ Calm feels vulnerable (hypervigilance feels safer)

4 Trauma-Sensitive Alternatives

1. “If You Can’t Relax, Regulate“

For when: You’re too activated to “calm down.”

Try this:

  • Name your state:
    “I’m in fight/flight” (racing heart)
    “I’m frozen” (numbness)
  • Match the tool to your state:
    Fight/flight: Vigorous movement (stomping, shaking)
    Frozen: Gentle sensory input (warm tea in hands, humming)

Why it works: You can’t think your way out of survival mode—you have to move through it.

2. The “5-4-3-2-1” Upgrade

For when: Grounding feels fake or dismissive.

Do this instead:

  1. First, validate: “I’m not okay right now.”
  2. Then add: “One thing that’s true is…” (e.g., “My feet are on the floor”).

Why it works: Acknowledgment comes before regulation.

3. “Safety-First Breathing”

For when: Deep breaths feel scary.

Try this:

  • Place hands on ribs.
  • Take tiny sips of air, like drinking through a straw.
  • Keep breaths shallow and controlled.

Science says: Short, measured breaths signal safety to a traumatized nervous system.

4. The “Window of Tolerance” Hack

For when: Stress feels overwhelming.

Practice:

  1. Pick a small stressor (e.g., a minor work worry).
  2. Stay with it for 30 seconds—no avoiding or spiraling.
  3. Then pause and name objects around you.

Why it works: Teaches your body to tolerate stress without flooding.

When to Seek Professional Help

Consider therapy if you:

  • Feel constantly “on edge” or disconnected
  • Have trauma affecting daily life
  • Experience chronic pain or gut issues

Your nervous system may need targeted support beyond quick fixes.

About the Author
Rahul Jairaj is a trauma-informed counselor specializing in nervous system healing.

📞 9663875780
📧 letyoursoulspeak@rahuljairaj.com

Keywords: Trauma therapy, nervous system regulation, anxiety relief, somatic healing

Leave A Comment

Recent Comments